Four Doctors in Search of a Plot
by Astfgl407
Summary: The Doctor takes Amy and Rory to the wild west in hopes of finding adventure, but a chance crossing of his own time stream throws his plans off course. Four Doctors, three sex-crazed companions, three special girls.. and Rory, barely keeping himself sane.
1. Too Much Skin and Too Many Hats

Dust began to swirl around on the dusty plains as a droning _vworp_ sound began faintly sounding in the empty air. A large blue box faded into view, suddenly jerking into reality as it came to a stop. The door burst open and a man leapt out, scattering more dust as his feet hit the ground. He grinned and spun around on his heel, raising a hand to tip his newly found ten-gallon hat slightly up to better reveal his face as he took in the landscape.  
>"Howdy, y'all!" he shouted, disturbing a lone vulture resting in a dying tree not too far from him. The man smiled to himself, undeterred by the complete lack of civilisation, and turned back to look into the box, the relative darkness within contrasting with the harsh sunlight outside.<br>"Come on, guys!" he called excitedly, almost jumping with excitement. "You're gonna miss it!"  
>"The landscape's not going anywhere, Doctor," came the reply, a soft Scottish burr. The Doctor rolled his eyes in response.<br>"Well no, from a _human_ perspective, I suppose it looks like it's gonna last forever. But _this_, Pond, is little more than a blip on the great timeline of the universe, and you're missing it because you're more concerned about spending time with your boyfriend!"  
>"Husband is the generally accepted term," replied a weary voice. The speaker emerged from the box, his head drooping slightly, and glanced around, raising an arm to shield his eyes from the sunlight. The Doctor rolled his eyes again, glad that no-one had seen him do it the first time. People kept telling him he shouldn't roll his eyes more than once a day.<br>"Husband, boyfriend, butler, whatever you want," he said, jabbing a finger out across the vast reaches of the plains. "But I wanna explore, and I don't want to have to wait around while you two... _procreate_." He turned back to glare at the box once again. "Come on, Pond!"  
>The third member of the group strolled out, tugging at her already loose shirt.<br>"Ok, Doctor, keep your hat on," she said. The Doctor made a face at her before turning away and gazing across the plains.  
>"So, Amy, Rory," the Doctor announced grandly, raising his arms. "Welcome... to the wild west!" He paused for effect, waiting for a reaction. He frowned at the silence.<br>"Um, Ponds?" he said, swinging back to them.  
>"What's wrong with it?" Amy said defensively. Rory sighed.<br>"I just think you might be showing... quite a bit of skin..." he muttered. Amy raised an eyebrow in indignation and looked down at her clothing.  
>"Shirt, shorts, shoes," she said. "I don't see a problem. And besides..." She leaned toward him, thrusting her chest out and running a hand down his chest.<br>"I thought you liked it when I dressed sexy."  
>"When we're alone, yes," Rory hissed. "But do you really need to go around showing off to everyone else?" Amy pouted and folded her arms, taking a step back from her husband.<br>"Well, if you're going to be like that, maybe I'll just stay here and have fun on my own," she replied. "See how great it is when you have to spend all your time with Mr. Look At Me I've Got A Hat."  
>"What's wrong with my hat?" the Doctor asked, his face falling. Rory and Amy ignored him.<br>"I don't mean that," Rory said. "I'm just saying, your outfit... doesn't leave much to the imagination, you know? How would you like it if I went around with my... my goods hanging out?" Amy opened her mouth to reply, but snapped shut before she could make a sound as her mind began forming a picture. A sly smile spread across her face and she leaned into Rory.  
>"Why don't you try it and see?" she whispered. Rory groaned.<br>"I'm not going to do that, Amy," he said. Amy pouted again.  
>"Aww, go on," she purred. Rory sighed and shrugged lightly.<br>"If you put something on now, then... we'll see. Later." Amy's face lit up and she dashed back into the TARDIS excitedly. The Doctor scowled and turned his back on Rory again.  
>"We're wasting time here!" he said loudly. "We're wasting valuable adventure time! And there is <em>nothing<em> wrong with my hat! It's a good hat."


	2. The Wild West Is Boring

"So!" the Doctor shouted, waving his arms about as he led Amy and Rory into the town. Amy was now wearing a long sleeve jacket to cover up her upper body, and Rory seemed satisfied. The Doctor stopped suddenly and spun around, causing his hat to tilt to the side. He hastily straightened it.  
>"The wild west, Ponds! It's a land of adventure and excitement, where men are men and small furry rat things are small furry rat things! Why are we standing around talking? That's boring. Let's go find some adventure!" He flashed the pair a grin and spun back around before setting off toward a nearby building, pausing every so often to check that his companions were following him.<br>"He's like a kid in a sweet shop," Rory commented as he trudged after the frantic Doctor. Amy smiled and slipped an arm through Rory's.  
>"Maybe we should let him go off and explore while we... attend to some business," she suggested, nuzzling her head against his arm. Rory rolled his eyes.<br>"Again?" he groaned. "There's only so much a man can take, you know. I need to rest sometimes."  
>"Aww, go on, Rory," she purred. "I'm not asking much. Just give me five minutes in an empty room."<br>"That's what you said earlier," Rory replied wearily. "Do you know how long a minute is? Because it's generally not the same length as an hour."  
>"It's a time machine, Rory!" Amy said. "You know what the Doctor's always saying, about time being relative and stuff? That's probably what it was."<br>"Yeah, and remember the last time we did it in the TARDIS, we ended up with a military weapon as a daughter?" Rory sighed. "Can't we give it a rest for a while?"  
>Amy pouted and pulled away from him.<br>"You're no fun," she muttered.

The Doctor flashed a small smile as his eyes flashed onto a large building. From the drunken men lounging on the steps to the classic swinging batwing doors, it was clearly a saloon. A real, Wild West saloon!  
>"Guys!" he shouted. "In here!" He ran toward the saloon in excitement before catching himself just short of the entrance.<br>"Come on, Doctor," he muttered. "Play it cool. You've got to make a good first impression." He glanced back over his shoulder: Amy was walking towards him, her arms crossed and a frown on her face, and Rory was trailing just behind.  
>"Humans," the Doctor sighed. He cleared his throat, tilted his hat to what he hoped was a jaunty angle, and dramatically pushed the doors open and took a step in.<br>"Howdy, you all," he announced. To his disappointment, there was no sudden hush in conversation as all eyes turned to him, nor a sudden break in the cheery piano music which seemed to fill the whole room. In fact, there wasn't any piano music at all. The Doctor frowned and cleared his throat again.  
>"Howdy, you all!" he repeated, slightly louder. A few men at a nearby table glanced at him dismissively before turning back to their card game. The Doctor's face fell. Behind him, he heard the doors swing open again as his companions entered the room.<br>"What's up, Doctor?" Amy asked, seeing his expression. "Men not living up to your expectations?" The Doctor shrugged.  
>"More like a whole building," he replied bitterly. "Last time I was somewhere like this, there were shoot-outs and famous people. This place is rubbish!"<br>"It's not that bad," Rory said. "Usually you just stride around meeting everyone - why's this any different?"  
>"I suppose," the Doctor said slowly. He straightened up and a smile returned to his face.<br>"Don't stray too far, Ponds," he said. "We'll split up, explore, meet people, and meet back here by sundown." Without waiting for a reply, he strode up to the bar and tapped the nearest man on the shoulder.  
>"Howdy!" he said brightly. The man turned around, and the Doctor's eyes widened at the sight of his face.<br>"Hello!" said the man, equally as cheerful. "I'm the Doctor!"


End file.
